Everybody Poops...but Not Like This

People tell me I’m legally insane  full of great stories. Today, I started thinking about things that I thought were normal, but which became bizarre ‘stories’ for people in America. 

Please note: these involve poop. All of them. I don't know why. 

• We didn’t flush toilet paper after wiping. Awful sewage systems meant clogged drains, and the only thing worse than poopy toilet paper in the waste bin was poopy-poop gushing everywhere.
• No one drank from the faucets. Ever. Unless, of course, they wanted poopy-poop gushing in a different way.
• We soaked our veggies and fruit in bleach water because of the amount of pesticides the farmers used. And because night soil, human waste watered down with human urine, was used as fertilizer.
• Public toilets make you pay for toilet paper (which is a scratchy, pink sheet of recycled cardboard bits that feels like sandpaper soaked in hot sauce). You have to tell them whether you are going “one” or “two” and are forced to pay more for going “two”. They check afterwards.
•  Amusement parks were amusing until the population realized that they could do their business in the house of mirrors and mazes. What's worse than 16 reflections of a massive dump? Wearing flip-flops and not knowing which one is real. 
• Children wear split-bottom pants and can usually pee/poop on command by the time they are a few months old. The command is a whistling noise the parent makes, usually while squatting and holding the child over a ditch (or anywhere. Literally). I once saw a lady squat her baby over a sink in a KFC and whistle-command her child to urinate. When reprimanded, she yelled that urine was sterile until a child turned four and so he could pee wherever he wanted.
•  Don’t swim in public pools. I once saw a line of boys have a peeing contest into the deep end. Plus, the water always tasted salty.
• Many times, in the countryside, pigpens are built adjacent to toilets and both animal and human waste flows freely into a large pit. This pit is what you must squat over, usually while balancing on two boards, while a wooden wall separates you from the pigs.
• A very kind-hearted lady ‘fixed’ my busted toe by soaking a mushroom in urine and tying onto the wound.

 *Disclaimer: this list is not exhaustive, and should not be used as an academic reference as to why I should be illegal what growing up in China is like for everyone. These are my memories.  Nothing more.