Rules are a weak man's escape

Ever read the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”?

I did, and I couldn’t put it down; instead, I threw it across the room.

With force.

I read it to understand the following it had generated, a following of mostly church-going/conservative/homeschooled families; a following which hailed the book as the Mecca for all dating standards; a following delighted to swallow and ingest its contents.

But I gagged.

Something pulled at my peripheral, itched under my skin. The mantra felt familiar, regurgitated and re-labeled. 

Dating was now called “courting”, but with more rules.

No kissing.

Group dates.

Marriage is the end goal.

Emotional purity.

Rules.

Rules.

Rules.

“I Kissed Dating Goodbye” is based off the premise (paraphrased):

I dated and got hurt.

I dated and got hurt.

I dated and got hurt.

Dating hurts.

Therefore, I won’t date.

The author works off a false premise. It's like saying "Guns kill people." We all know that guns don't kill people; people kill people. 

Dating is the same: Dating does not hurt people. People dating in irresponsible ways, without boundaries, is what hurts people. 

Emotional purity may as well be called “boundaries”. Boundaries free the individual from the legality of rules and puts responsibility on the shoulder of those in the relationship, rather than forcing them to rely on a doctrine or mandate.

Example:

Rule - I won’t ever be alone in a room with a member of the opposite sex.

Boundary: I know that being in the same room alone with a guy can sometimes lead to intimate conversations and create emotional ties. I’m not willing to take on the responsibility of such emotions/ties and so choose not to put myself in that situation.

Rule – No holding hands till engagement.

Boundary – I know that I respond to physical touch, and that emotional ties can intensify my reaction. Because I want to take this relationship slowly (and in order to do so), I choose not to hold hands or initiate other physical contact until there is deeper commitment.

Rules beget legalism.

Legalism begets guilt.

And guilt, true to its nature, is necrotic.

 It’s easy to obey rules. Boundaries, however, require:

• an individual to take responsibility for their own actions.
• knowledge of personality weaknesses, strengths. 
• conviction of personal values.
• accountability from both members in the relationship.
• open communication.
• a peer group that can keep you strong and supported.
• consequences if boundaries are crossed.
• self-restraint.
• actions to be based off knowledge of what is best, not what is easiest.

So, it's not about rules. It's about knowing self-restraint and creating boundaries not out of guilt, but out of a desire for a healthy relationship. Whether you personally call that "emotional purity", "courting", "dating" or "shmulting"....doesn't matter.

Do it out of knowledge, not guilt.

*end of rant

*Note: I do not hate the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." It bothers me that the book, and other religious dating books like it, are many times unquestioned and hailed as truth where, I feel, they should not be. It bothers me that critical thinking is often starved under such truths.