Don't mess with an English major

James: "Jessa, I have to tell you something. Sometimes, I like to speak in the third person."

Me: "What do you mean?"

James: "Like right now."

[pause]

Me: "Jessa thinks that James doesn't understand what third person means."

James: "Oh yeah...hang on..."

Me: "James wonders out loud while Jessa hands him his grammatical ass on a plate."

James: "I mean..JAMES is spea---"

Me: "AND JAMES DOESN'T UNDERSTA--"

James: "--woman, stop interrupting me---with my own grammar rules."

[I laugh]

James: "Actually...that was like...second AND third person. Holy crap, I just created a fourth dimension to grammar."

[pause]

James: "You're welcome."

I don't even know how to title this....it's that ridiculous

James: "We need to have kids. I’m running out of TV shows that I can watch by myself."

Me: "That is a horrible reason to start a family."

James [glaring]: "It is totally legitimate."

[I ignore him and continue reading]

James: "Jessa! I can’t get into Lego Discovery Land in Kansas City unless I borrow someone else's kids!"

Me: "Why?"

James: "Because you have to have a kid to get in and I don't know very many kids right now!"

[slight pause]

James: "But I guess that’s not their fault."

Me: "The answer is still no."

James [pouting]: "If being able to get into Lego Discovery Land isn’t reason enough to have kids, then nothing is!"  

[pause]

Me: "Do you think about the words you say before they come out of your mouth?"

James [lightly]: "No, because I would get bored…’cause I’d already know what I was going to say."