Even I couldn't make this up...

I never know what to expect when I come home, so it shouldn't surprise me that falling asleep involves random acts of weirdness from my husband. Like the other night, when I had already gotten into bed...

James: "He approaches the bed, ready for another night of sleep after a long day’s work. Untucking the covers, he—"

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"

James: "He pulled back the sheets and watched her turn over. He wondered if she knew how to respond."

Me: "Are you...narrating your actions?"

James: "She was surprisingly quick-witted, and he knew he had found a keeper."

Me: "You are narrating...your...own...actions."

James: "Suddenly, she began to repeat herself, and he worried that she had someone injured herself into speaking like a broken, skipping record."

Me [rolling over]: "I should get paid to put up with you." 

James: "He looked over at her still form, waiting for her to sleep. Oh no, he had forgotten to pee."

[I ignore him]

[James gets out of bed and trundles over to the bathroom. Muffled sounds, like someone talking into a pipe, intermix with the splash of the toilet. He comes back into the room.]

James:"…..and then it hit him, he really wanted a bowl of cereal."

Me [mumbling into the sheets]: "You are not getting cereal."

James: "James glared at the evil lady. She won, for now, but she wouldn’t be able to keep him from cereal forever. He tucked himself into bed—"

Me: "Narrate this!" [I hit him with a pillow]

[A slight pause before --]

James: "The sting of the pillow was nothing when compared to the sting of no cereal."