It's the small things, really

James: "I cannot watch Oprah, or I will cry."

Me: "Really?"

James: "That shit makes me cry. I cannot watch it." 

The things I learn about my husband....

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office: James: Jessa, should I become a senator? Me: Ummmmm, no. James: But why not?! Probably 'cause I'm not that responsible, huh? Me: Among o...

He wants to run for office

James: Jessa, should I become a senator?

Me: Ummmmm, no.

James: But why not?! Probably 'cause I'm not that responsible, huh?

Me: Among other things.

James: Wow. That's cold. I could be senator...and do senaty things, and then America would have to obey me.

Me: I'm almost positive that's not how it works.

James: That's EXACTLY how it works.

[pause]

[James looks down at our dog, who is cleansing its genitals furiously.]

James: Just ask Pilot.

Me: Pilot is a dog.

James: Precisely. He is impartial.

Me:....a dog.

James: AND HE WOULD VOTE FOR ME, TOO!

[Pilot ignores the fierce political debates]

[I go back to my book]

[James fumes and mutters threats against the Death Star, the senate, and wookies]

Urban White Trash: We all need superhero ballons

Urban White Trash: We all need superhero ballons: Two days ago, James went to buy groceries. He came back with a superhero balloon with the Avengers plastered all over it. He is a 25 year old male. It's hung in our h...

We all need superhero ballons

Two days ago, James went to buy groceries. He came back with a superhero balloon with the Avengers plastered all over it. It's hung in our home, falling more and more dejectedly flat each day. Finally, after almost running into it I decided to ask him about it. 


Me: I can't believe you bought that thing. Three dollars wasted.

James: I need that balloon.

Me: You don't need a balloon. It's not doing anything.

James: It's doing exactly what I need it to do..just sit there...hangin' out.

Me: It's three dollars!

James: Jessa! Would you rather have three dollars or have a superhero balloon? It's like the Avengers posters, but hanging in the air on a string!

Jessa: I would rather have three dollars to buy things I actually need, not things I want.

James: Jessa, I need that balloon. It's critical. It's not a want...cause it's there.

Me: Just because something is present does not indicate an actual need for it. Like Kim Kardashian...or the Patriots.

James: Why are you saying that. That's a terrible thing to say. Just don't write that. The PATRIOTS are not something you can make fun of....they are part of our family.

Me: Just don't go buying Patriots balloons. You don't need balloons.

James [huffs]: You need tampons, right? Well this superheros balloon is my tampon. Except I don't shove it up my butt.

Me: That's not where tampons go....

James: Well, I know it's the bottom area...

Everything Is Art

Within seconds of going into the Museum of Art in Little Rock:

[James bounces over to a hanging picture of two boys standing in their underwear]

James [pulling his shirt up and exposing his belly]: "Ricky! Take a picture of me and my brothers!"

Me: "James, put your shirt down! This is a museum!"

[Ricky takes a picture of James, who still has his belly bared to the world]

James: "Jessa, they expect people to do this. It's art."

Me: "I don't know you."

[I walk over to another picture]

James [loudly]: "Hey Jessa! Look at this one!"

[I ignore him]

[James bounds over and tugs at my arm]

James [whispering loudly]: "Jessa! That painting is called 'The Butthole'"

[He points to a hand drawn charcoal piece that is essentially a large circle in the middle of the paper. Kind of like Japan's national flag....if they ran out of red ink]

Me: "Excuse me, random person I just met."

James: "Jessa. Come on. Don't do that.

Me: "I'll acknowledge you when you stop pulling your shirt up in public."

James: "I'm never going to stop."

Me: "Then I don't know you. And my mom taught me about Stranger Danger...so goodbye."

[I walk away. James follows me, bouncing on his toes]

James: "I can already tell this marriage is going to be awkward."

(Place title here)

While writing down a conversation I had with James at 1:00 a.m., much to his protesting:

James: "Jessa, have you ever been on bumfights.com?"

Me: "Shhhh...I have to capture what you said downstairs. Did you say you would kill our dog from behind or eat his behind?"

James: "I don't remember...that's the point!"

[I keep writing]

Me: "It literally happened three minutes ago."

James: "That's like...a million years to me."

[I snicker, still writing]

James: "Have you ever been on bumfights.com? Jesssaa!"

Me [writing]: "What!"

James: "Stop ignoring my super important question."

Me: "No, I have never been on bumfights.com. Sounds horrible, though."

James: "It was the website in the 90s, or 1880s or something. Homeless people would get paid to fight each other."

Me: "Sounds terrible."

James: "It was. And it's exactly what you are doing right now."

Me [still writing]: "Please keep talking. This is gold."

James: "You are exploiting the tiredness of my brains."

[James wanders into the bathroom, still talking.]

James: "It's not fair of you to record conversations this late at night. It's like kicking the legs out from under crippled person who only has one leg to begin with.  Except it's with my brain!"

[shower turns on. James keeps talking]

James: "You are kicking the legs out from my crippled brain."

[I start laughing]

[shower curtain opens]

James: "Just so you know, people like you are usually the villains in Disney movies."