Last night James came home early which was more surprising
than what he carried.
James [poking his head through the front door]: I read the
other day that owning pets tends to lower stress levels.
Me: Hey! You’re home!
[James enters the house carrying a suspiciously heavy bag]
Me: Wait…what are you carrying?
James [smiles guiltily]: I wanted you to not be stressed so—
Me [now suspicious]: I’m not stressed. At all. But I feel like I'm going to be....
James:….I bought you fish.
[He holds two plastic bags up, smiling like he’d won an
Olympic race]
Me [sighing]: James. We can’t take care of a fish.
James: Good, because there are three, not just one.
[He plops the bags on the counter; something inside darts back
and forth.]
James: I’ll even let you name them.
Me: I don’t want to name them, because I don’t want to be
responsible for fish. They’re so judgmental!
James [speaking over me]: And if you’re nice, I’ll even let
you name our puppy.
[dead silence]
[James walks out the front door and comes back carrying a
box]
Me [glaring, quiet]: Is that a motherflippin' puppy?!
James: No Jessa. This is the fish tank. Duuuh.
Me: We are not getting a dog.
James: I want you to have a puppy for when I leave for the
military.
Me: I don’t want to have to train a dog by myself.
[James pouts and starts unpacking the rather large fish tank]
James: You wouldn’t have to, Jessa. Gosh, you make me sound
so irresponsible.
Me: You JUST said you were leaving for the military, which means you won't be around. Which means I'll have to train the dog.
[James picks up the bags of fish]
James [pointing to the skittish animals]: I call this one
Baha Mountain Dew Blast, that one Taco Bell Grande, and that one Soft Shell
Supreme.
[I start to smile]
[James looks up and a smile explodes on his face]
James: Hey! You’re happy!
Me: You are lucky I find you cute. Next time, talk to me before adding three specimens to our family.
James [huffing]: Jessa. Come on. I didn’t even know that I
was getting fish. I walked into Wal-Mart to buy Draino and came out with fish.
Me: Did you at least remember the Draino?
James [triumphantly]: Yes!
[I go back to the couch and start to mutter something in
Chinese, glancing up occasionally to see James happy and busy with his new fish
tank.]
James: I can’t hear what you are saying, but I
totally disrespect and disagree with it.
Meet Twitchy, Ron Swanfishson and Baha Mountain Dew Blast. At least they have a pineapple. |
I've been voting to sell our rabbits on craigslist for months now. The other day, I was thinking about it, when a scripture came into my head - seriously. It was the one about casting out a demon and 7 more enter in. I am no longer nagging to get rid of the rabbits.
ReplyDeleteHaha YESSSS. It looks like Twitchy, Ron Swanfishson, and Baha Mountain Dew Blast are happy in their new home!
ReplyDeleteAnd per our conversation yesterday: Fish are way better than babies. Just sayin...