At least there is a pineapple

Last night James came home early which was more surprising than what he carried.

James [poking his head through the front door]: I read the other day that owning pets tends to lower stress levels.

Me: Hey! You’re home!

[James enters the house carrying a suspiciously heavy bag]

Me: Wait…what are you carrying?

James [smiles guiltily]: I wanted you to not be stressed so—

Me [now suspicious]: I’m not stressed. At all. But I feel like I'm going to be....

James:….I bought you fish.

[He holds two plastic bags up, smiling like he’d won an Olympic race]

Me [sighing]: James. We can’t take care of a fish.

James: Good, because there are three, not just one.

[He plops the bags on the counter; something inside darts back and forth.]

James: I’ll even let you name them.

Me: I don’t want to name them, because I don’t want to be responsible for fish. They’re so judgmental!

James [speaking over me]: And if you’re nice, I’ll even let you name our puppy.

[dead silence]

[James walks out the front door and comes back carrying a box]

Me [glaring, quiet]: Is that a motherflippin' puppy?!

James: No Jessa. This is the fish tank. Duuuh.

Me: We are not getting a dog.

James: I want you to have a puppy for when I leave for the military.

Me: I don’t want to have to train a dog by myself.

[James pouts and starts unpacking the rather large fish tank]

James: You wouldn’t have to, Jessa. Gosh, you make me sound so irresponsible.

Me: You JUST said you were leaving for the military, which means you won't be around. Which means I'll have to train the dog.

[James picks up the bags of fish]

James [pointing to the skittish animals]: I call this one Baha Mountain Dew Blast, that one Taco Bell Grande, and that one Soft Shell Supreme.

[I start to smile]

[James looks up and a smile explodes on his face]

James: Hey! You’re happy!

Me: You are lucky I find you cute. Next time, talk to me before adding three specimens to our family.

James [huffing]: Jessa. Come on. I didn’t even know that I was getting fish. I walked into Wal-Mart to buy Draino and came out with fish.

Me: Did you at least remember the Draino?

James [triumphantly]: Yes!

[I go back to the couch and start to mutter something in Chinese, glancing up occasionally to see James happy and busy with his new fish tank.]

James: I can’t hear what you are saying, but I totally disrespect and disagree with it.

Meet Twitchy, Ron Swanfishson and Baha Mountain Dew Blast.
At least they have a pineapple.