First serious conversation since James got home from the military

Me: “Hey, sweetie, I think the dog might have an ear infection. Look how he’s shaking his head.”

James: “He just likes the sound of his ear flaps smacking his face.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure they’re just called ears.”

James: “No, they are flaps. Like on an airplane. Plus, he can adjust them like an airplane.”

[I laugh]

James: “Dogs are essentially like airplanes.”

Me: “Here we go...”

James [continuing; ignoring me]: “Both have flappy ears, terrible baggage service and are super expensive with little to show for it.”

Me: “Except dogs give you love.”

James: “No, dogs give you poop and pee on the floor. Which is kind of like love.”

Me: “Is that why you miss the toilet when you pee?”

James: “Exactly. It’s 'cause love.”

Me: “Well stop loving me so much.”

[James flops over on the couch and sighs]

James: “Can’t. ‘Cause love spills over.”

Me: "Well then tell the dog to love you more, cause I'm tired of soaking up puppy pee with my socks when I walk across the carpet."

James: "Can't. He's my bro. Bros don't pee on each other."

[I get up and head to the kitchen]

Me: “Whatever. Just take the dog to the vet tomorrow and...stop peeing on the bathroom floor.”

[James picks up the dog]

James [cuddling the dog and whispering loudly]: “We’ll fly away from the mean lady and pee wherever we want, bro.”