Have you talked to your pets about drugs?

James went to the kitchen for chips and came back to the sofa. Pilot jumped up onto the cushions and stared at James. 

James [talking to the dog]: Shut up dog, I need to eat.

[Grabs fistful of chips, eats one]

James [still talking to Pilot]: Has anyone ever offered you marijuana? Maybe no one has had this conversation with you, yet. Tell me if someone offers you any.

Me: What are you telling the dog?

James: It's all about not being a negligent owner, Jessa. I'm just covering all the bases.

[Pilot begins inspecting his genitals, licking them methodically while ignoring James]

James: Is there a conversation you have to have with your dog at some point about the fact that a cat is not a dog?

Me: We may need to talk to him about catnip.

James: Is that a thing? My hummus is my catnip. And don't interrupt me, I'm tweeting Seth MacFarlan.

Me: Why? It's not like he'll tweet you back.

James: Yes he will. I'll bet he gets hundreds of tweets a day from people who think they are funny.

Me: Like you?

James: No. I'm special, cause this is some funny shit.

Me: He won't retweet you.

James: How much do you want to bet?

Me: If Seth MacFarlan doesn't retweet your tweet within 48 hours, you have to clean the upstairs room to my satisfaction.

[James' face falls a bit.]

James: I'm not *that* confident...