Yeah, that's *totally* a normal response....

James: "Someone could sing the first two words of "oh Canada" and then hum any other tune and I would believe them. That's how little I care about Canada."

Me: "Let's move to Canada."

James: "No. But good talk."

Me: "Why not? You could finally have an excuse to wrestle with bears."

James: "Cause....'Merica. And freedom."

Me: "Honey your breath stinks. Go brush your teeth."

Jams: "You can't tell me what to do. I'm an adult, which means you need to leave me alone."

Me: "Ok, we'll whenever I'm doing the finances, I'm going to say the same thing to you."

James: "And I will immediately pee on you."

(Pause)

James starts humming the Canadian national anthem again.

Have you talked to your pets about drugs?

James went to the kitchen for chips and came back to the sofa. Pilot jumped up onto the cushions and stared at James. 

James [talking to the dog]: Shut up dog, I need to eat.

[Grabs fistful of chips, eats one]

James [still talking to Pilot]: Has anyone ever offered you marijuana? Maybe no one has had this conversation with you, yet. Tell me if someone offers you any.

Me: What are you telling the dog?

James: It's all about not being a negligent owner, Jessa. I'm just covering all the bases.

[Pilot begins inspecting his genitals, licking them methodically while ignoring James]

James: Is there a conversation you have to have with your dog at some point about the fact that a cat is not a dog?

Me: We may need to talk to him about catnip.

James: Is that a thing? My hummus is my catnip. And don't interrupt me, I'm tweeting Seth MacFarlan.

Me: Why? It's not like he'll tweet you back.

James: Yes he will. I'll bet he gets hundreds of tweets a day from people who think they are funny.

Me: Like you?

James: No. I'm special, cause this is some funny shit.

Me: He won't retweet you.

James: How much do you want to bet?

Me: If Seth MacFarlan doesn't retweet your tweet within 48 hours, you have to clean the upstairs room to my satisfaction.

[James' face falls a bit.]

James: I'm not *that* confident...

It's the small things, really

James: "I cannot watch Oprah, or I will cry."

Me: "Really?"

James: "That shit makes me cry. I cannot watch it." 

The things I learn about my husband....

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office: James: Jessa, should I become a senator? Me: Ummmmm, no. James: But why not?! Probably 'cause I'm not that responsible, huh? Me: Among o...

He wants to run for office

James: Jessa, should I become a senator?

Me: Ummmmm, no.

James: But why not?! Probably 'cause I'm not that responsible, huh?

Me: Among other things.

James: Wow. That's cold. I could be senator...and do senaty things, and then America would have to obey me.

Me: I'm almost positive that's not how it works.

James: That's EXACTLY how it works.

[pause]

[James looks down at our dog, who is cleansing its genitals furiously.]

James: Just ask Pilot.

Me: Pilot is a dog.

James: Precisely. He is impartial.

Me:....a dog.

James: AND HE WOULD VOTE FOR ME, TOO!

[Pilot ignores the fierce political debates]

[I go back to my book]

[James fumes and mutters threats against the Death Star, the senate, and wookies]

Urban White Trash: We all need superhero ballons

Urban White Trash: We all need superhero ballons: Two days ago, James went to buy groceries. He came back with a superhero balloon with the Avengers plastered all over it. He is a 25 year old male. It's hung in our h...

We all need superhero ballons

Two days ago, James went to buy groceries. He came back with a superhero balloon with the Avengers plastered all over it. It's hung in our home, falling more and more dejectedly flat each day. Finally, after almost running into it I decided to ask him about it. 


Me: I can't believe you bought that thing. Three dollars wasted.

James: I need that balloon.

Me: You don't need a balloon. It's not doing anything.

James: It's doing exactly what I need it to do..just sit there...hangin' out.

Me: It's three dollars!

James: Jessa! Would you rather have three dollars or have a superhero balloon? It's like the Avengers posters, but hanging in the air on a string!

Jessa: I would rather have three dollars to buy things I actually need, not things I want.

James: Jessa, I need that balloon. It's critical. It's not a want...cause it's there.

Me: Just because something is present does not indicate an actual need for it. Like Kim Kardashian...or the Patriots.

James: Why are you saying that. That's a terrible thing to say. Just don't write that. The PATRIOTS are not something you can make fun of....they are part of our family.

Me: Just don't go buying Patriots balloons. You don't need balloons.

James [huffs]: You need tampons, right? Well this superheros balloon is my tampon. Except I don't shove it up my butt.

Me: That's not where tampons go....

James: Well, I know it's the bottom area...