How to ruin a childhood movie

James [yelling from upstairs]: "Jessa, if our kids ever ask us what sex is like, we'll just tell them it's like listening to The Lion King...but with your whole body."

Me: "...aaaaand I'm done with breakfast."

Songs that now have different meanings because of what James said:
- The Circle of Life
- Can You Feel the Love
- Be Prepared

You know, the boy has a point.

You could have saved Wayne

This is how I deal with telemarketers.

This is what we call "calm"

James: Tonight is so calm and great. You are reading, the dog is chillin' on the bed. There is classical music playing...

Me: I know. It's nice.

James: We should blow something up. OR SET SOMETHING ON FIRE! 

Me: Wha...wait, no. Why?

James: Do you have some old jeans you could burn? 

[I ignore him and continue to read]

James: Hey...stop ignoring me!

[I turn a page, still ignoring him]

James [pouting]: That's my book, so you can't read it unless I say so...[grabs at it]...gimmi it. 

Me [still reading]: Try to take it from me. Find out what happens. 

[There is a moment of silence. James rolls over and starts to scratch his back, his face half buried in the pillow]

James [muffled voice]: What if every time you scratched my back it was just zits? 

[He lifts his head]

James: Like you scratch and just get a handful of pus. 

Me: Calm down there, Satan. 

Yeah, that's *totally* a normal response....

James: "Someone could sing the first two words of "oh Canada" and then hum any other tune and I would believe them. That's how little I care about Canada."

Me: "Let's move to Canada."

James: "No. But good talk."

Me: "Why not? You could finally have an excuse to wrestle with bears."

James: "Cause....'Merica. And freedom."

Me: "Honey your breath stinks. Go brush your teeth."

Jams: "You can't tell me what to do. I'm an adult, which means you need to leave me alone."

Me: "Ok, we'll whenever I'm doing the finances, I'm going to say the same thing to you."

James: "And I will immediately pee on you."

(Pause)

James starts humming the Canadian national anthem again.

Have you talked to your pets about drugs?

James went to the kitchen for chips and came back to the sofa. Pilot jumped up onto the cushions and stared at James. 

James [talking to the dog]: Shut up dog, I need to eat.

[Grabs fistful of chips, eats one]

James [still talking to Pilot]: Has anyone ever offered you marijuana? Maybe no one has had this conversation with you, yet. Tell me if someone offers you any.

Me: What are you telling the dog?

James: It's all about not being a negligent owner, Jessa. I'm just covering all the bases.

[Pilot begins inspecting his genitals, licking them methodically while ignoring James]

James: Is there a conversation you have to have with your dog at some point about the fact that a cat is not a dog?

Me: We may need to talk to him about catnip.

James: Is that a thing? My hummus is my catnip. And don't interrupt me, I'm tweeting Seth MacFarlan.

Me: Why? It's not like he'll tweet you back.

James: Yes he will. I'll bet he gets hundreds of tweets a day from people who think they are funny.

Me: Like you?

James: No. I'm special, cause this is some funny shit.

Me: He won't retweet you.

James: How much do you want to bet?

Me: If Seth MacFarlan doesn't retweet your tweet within 48 hours, you have to clean the upstairs room to my satisfaction.

[James' face falls a bit.]

James: I'm not *that* confident...

It's the small things, really

James: "I cannot watch Oprah, or I will cry."

Me: "Really?"

James: "That shit makes me cry. I cannot watch it." 

The things I learn about my husband....

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office

Urban White Trash: He wants to run for office: James: Jessa, should I become a senator? Me: Ummmmm, no. James: But why not?! Probably 'cause I'm not that responsible, huh? Me: Among o...