Then, somehow, I'd get elected president.

**Disclaimer: I have the tendency to talk to complete strangers in whatever language or accent my mood dictates. 

This is a conversation I dug up from my archived “Never Admit You Did This” file. Apparently, I was in a store looking at dog collars--which is weird because I don’t even have a dog--and had an episode of verbal diarrhea on the nearest customer. 

Me: What if we all wore collars that shocked us when we did something bad? I’ll bet the world would be a better place.

Lady: Oh. I’m more of a cat person.

Me: But, I’m also sure we’d have to appoint someone to shock us so that people wouldn’t frivolously zap everyone. Except lawyers. Everyone would be able to zap lawyers.

Lady: That’s…interesting (takes a step back).

Me (yelling): The president! We implant shock chips into everyone and only the PRESIDENT can shock everyone.

Lady: Is this some kind of prank?

Me: I need to be elected president.

The lady walked off, looking over her shoulder once or twice.  

I called my sister.

Amy: Hello?

Me: Amy, change of plans. I'm running for president. Remind me, when do people start voting on stuff?

Amy: Who is this?

Me: It’s Jessa, stupid. Are you free this weekend? We need to talk campaign strategy.

Amy: I’m hanging up now.

*click