Why James Is Not Allowed Near Fish Tanks Anymore

Typical pillow talk between my (completely lucid, sober) husband and (completely lucid, sober) me.


James: I'm amazed that humanity hasn't bred tiny animals yet.

Me: I'm amazed you think that's a thing.

James: You know in the "Game of Thrones" books, how there are huge dire wolves?

Me: You mean the fake world created with magic, yes. Do go on.

James: Well, why can't they breed tiny dire wolves? Or other animals.

[I roll over]

James: A tiny zoo. You could have a tiny zoo...in a BUILDING! People would ask me, "What are you doing?" and I'm all like, "Nothing, just taking my mouse-sided zebra on a walk."

Me: If a pigeon came in, it would harrasse all the animals.

James: We could breed tiny animals EVERYWHERE! It's like with fish, when you take a big fish and put it into a bowl and it shrinks. Wait...it's the other way around.

Me: You are officially not allowed near a fish tank. Or animals. Or people.

James: Think about it. People can't keep baboons in their houses because the monkeys would rip their faces off. Tiny baboons....oh my gosh, they'd be called Babbets. What are they going to do, pick at your fingernails?

Me: Or breed in your hair cause they think it's a jungle.

James: Wait, I just figured it out. I know why we don't do this. All the miniature animals would give birth to eraser-sized babies. And I can't ever keep track of erasers.

Me: I feel like I'm talking to a twelve year old. No wonder I go to bed frustrated and questioning my parenting skills.

James: A twelve year old couldn't satisfy you.

[long. long. pause.]

James:....wait, I don't think I should have said that. Don't put this on your blog.