When James cleans the house....

After returning from his military stint, James dumped his bag of clothes in the living room. Because I promised I would not clean his crap, it was a week before he remembered to shift through the piles of military shirts, boots and heaven knows what. 
And when he finally did, I recorded the conversation because it was so freaking funny...and because I need blackmailing evidence thought the world needed to know how my husband cleans. So I started typing.....

James: "Jessa, for this marriage to work, there needs to be trust. It's in the Bible."

Me: "Ok..."

James: "So you need to trust me when I say that not everything should go on your blog."

[the dog jumps into my lap, puts its head on the keyboard and watches me type]

James: "Awww. I have to instigram this!

Me: "Keep cleaning. The dog will still be here when you are done."

James [pouts, phone in hand]: "Jesssaaaa. I'm gonna be distracted by the cuteness."

Me: "Sweetie, cuteness is not what distracts you."

James [puts phone away. Starts cleaning again]: "Aren't you glad I got you a dog?"

Me: "You are lucky you got a good dog."

James: "It wasn't luck. It was calculation."

Me: "You literally went on craigslist and got the fluffiest looking animal you could find. I'm not even sure you knew it was a dog. It could have been a small Alaskan bear for all you knew."

James: "Jessa, don't be dumb. Bears don't live in Alaska."

[I snort, roll my eyes and keep typing]

James: "It wasn't chance. You don't get that fluffly without calculating. Besides, if I stood here and told you the complicated math involved in getting this dog, you wouldn't believe me. Thats's that whole point. I made a calculated decision and [*huffing]....I'm tired, Jessa [*pouts]."

[I grin, and keep typing.]

James: "And I'm cleaning." [he starts spinning in place, arms outstretched] "You won't know what to do when you have this much apartment."

[Starts putzing around making machine gun noises and singing about piles of stuff]

Me: "I've missed watching you putz around the house."

James [stops. glares]: "YOU MEAN CLEAN!?"

[James looks down, gets distracted by his shoes]

James: "JESSA! If this dog chews on my shoes, go ahead and kill him because his life won't be worth it."

[picks up a key, goes "aha!". Continues to make plane noises.]

James: "So when I clean, I pick up things and move them to another place..and then I have to clean where I cleaned because...well, I'm cleaning. Oooh...a penny."