How I ended up with 16 gallons of pumpkin spiced liquor

James [entering the room with a cup in hand]: Honey, try this.

[I look up from my GRE study guide]

Me: What is it?

James: It’s pumpkin spice liquor and ice.

[I sip it]

James: Do you like it?

Me: It’s okay.

James: Good. Because I bought 16 bottles of it.

Me: YOU. DID. WHAT.

[James runs out of the room and returns lugging a box that clangs ominously with liquor bottles]

James: They were only a DOLLAR!

Me: So you bought 16 mother-flippin’ bottles of pumpkin spice poop because they were cheap!? We’re NOT ranging alcoholics!

James: Jessa, they were a dollar! We could end world hunger for those prices!

Me [laying my head down]: Just because something is cheap does not mean you need large quantities of it!

James [yelling]: We’ll give them away to friends! We’ll bathe in the leftovers!

Me: No one needs 16 gallons of crappy alcohol! Not even Amy Winehouse would have 16 gallons of pumpkin spice liquor just sitting around. 

James: Jessa....they were a dollar a piece and I had $20. I did what any normal person would do.

Me: No, you did what any inbred hick from the backwoods of satan's armpit would do.

[James starts putting bottles of orangish-white liquid onto the floor]

Me: I'm not going to drink that crap. Wait...what happened to the groceries you were supposed to get?

[James pauses]

James: I may have forgotten to buy groceries.

[I look up and glare]

Me: This does not end well for you.

James: I got excited when I saw the price and forgot to buy anything else.

Me: You’re fired.

We didn't drink it. Turns out that it didn’t taste great with coffee, was too heavy to drink with just ice and left a bad, tangy taste at the back of the throat. It’s almost a year later, and we still have one stubborn bottle of pumpkin spice liquor that I've been unable to pawn to the unsuspecting guest or homeless bum.

James wonders why I watch "Modern Family", and when I saw this episode...I finally could give an answer--this is me. Just replace the alpaca with 16 gallons of pumpkin spice liquor.

I fear/anticipate that James will one day come home with a needy alpaca.

James is still not allowed to shop for groceries.